Working On Forgiving

Texted this to my mom today. I’m not ready to talk on the phone, or go see her, but I couldn’t ignore her another year. 

I’m trying to forgive her. I’m learning that is a process too. I heard, this week, that the process is a lot like an onion. Once you have 1 part forgiven, another layer will appear and that 1 needs work too. I’m trying. Here’s my text:

I’ve said before Satan is so good at what he does. He has the ability to drown you in bad memories. This is one way he has my moma bound. It can happen to the best of us!

Sometimes you have to force yourself to remember the good times, and I hope she can do this!

I’m so thankful for my moma! We have plenty of awesome memories together, and I’d like to thank her for that! 

I remember:

The Mickey Mouse cake she slaved for days decorating with 10000900 swirls.

The late night she stayed up (or got up really early) to make sure I had my New Kids on the Block tickets.

The times she took me to church. 

Even that time I didn’t want to go, so I had my best friend “accidentally” leave her shoes at her own house. Obviously my friend couldn’t go to church shoeless. And since she was my guest, I’d just have to stay home with her. Nope. Didn’t work. Mom said fine, none of us will wear shoes. New church visiting with no shoes. 

The time D, me and 4 other friends “surprised” her during a Florida vacation by showing up to their RV in the middle of the night. We were all underage. Moma put our room (that we paid for) on her credit card, and never even yelled when we wrecked it. 

The time she laughed instead of screamed when my cousin and I drew, with chocolate cookies, all over motel sheets. They were completely ruined. 

How hard she laughed at PeeWees Big Adventure. And laughed even harder when the family had that fun night with egg carton eyes. 

That she was with me every time I gave birth. And that she went and bought $200 worth of Captain D’s after I had C. Just because I had a craving.

The way she’s loved Derrick since their first meeting. 

The way she ignored all the smacktalk when we were getting married. 

The way she cared about my friends. 

The day D, me and the kids kidnapped her, broken leg and all, and she had a blast. We took her to Little White House, a place she always wanted to go. She was able to ride the scooter for people with disabilities. I’m pretty sure it was the time of her life. 
And so many more!!!
Despite all of OUR careless actions, we all KNOW YOU have the biggest heart. I love you moma. 
Your MY moma and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in this world!! 

R U in RU?

I’d love to connect with other people! Are in in Reformers Unanimous? Have you graduated? Do you, or have you helped and worked in the program? 

I honestly can’t believe it’s not more popular. I don’t think that many people know about it!

I’ve said before, I’m in the beginning of the program. But I’d love to have encouragement from others than have been where I am!

I want to know if it made a lasting difference in your life!

If you’ve heard of it, connect with me! If you haven’t, connect with me if you want more details!

I’m amazed at the information I’ve already learned! 

God and Embroidery

I went to a Reformers Unanimous meeting tonight. 

The preacher told an analogy that gave me goosebumps.

He said, when he was young, he would sit on the floor while his grandmother worked on her embroidery. 

From his viewpoint, when he looked up, all he could see was knots, and lines of thread. He could only see it from underneath. It didn’t look like anything pretty. 

But from his grandmothers view, a beautiful pattern could be seen. She was following a design, that in the end would make a picture. 

He compared this to us and God. While sometimes all we can see is a mess, all the time God is working out his plan for us. And what can’t see what he can see. 

I’m quick to tell my sister, I don’t understand this or that. She tells me it’s all for a reason. And finally Romans 8:28 clicked for me:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Reformers Unanimous

This program has taken me years to attend. I first heard about it, ironically enough, from my moma. The same person that introduced me to my drug of choice. 

She told me I should look in to the program after I finished rehab. 

I didn’t know much about it, but it is church, Bible based addictions program. My church actually had a chapter of the program running for several years. But I never went. 

I left rehab and my world continued it’s downward spiral for months. Late last year I remembered the program name and thought I want that! I grew up in church, but never experienced the full power of God till last year. It was amazing. 

I started my hunt for a church than ran the program. My home church had stopped it because enough people did not show up. 

I went to the RU website, check their map and wrote down all the churches within 40 miles of me. Most of the places I called, told me they no longer offered this. I found one, 45 minutes away from my home. 

I went, and this specific one was not the meeting for me. For reasons I may explain later, or may just keep to myself. After this meeting I slowly worked my way back to another relapse during the Christmas season.

I found one a little closer this year. In March, my husband visited with me once. After the initial visit, I’ve went here and there but not very consistently. 

I read somewhere this week: If no actions change, everything else will remain the same. It hit me. I need to take action, jump on something.

God willing, I’ll be faithful to this program. Tonight I finally received my first award for work I’d done. It feels a tiny bit cheesy to me, but no different than AA chips- in my humble opinion.

I’m almost finished with the first Pamphlet. It’s called The Overcomer, Entry Level Workbook. I have 2 more tasks to do. Attend a Sunday School class somewhere, and give a pamphlet to someone that I think could benefit. 

As soon as I do these things, I move to the first real book. I pray I continue. 

This is the only program for me. I’ve learned, I’m a replacer. I have switched out addictions for many many years. I conquer one thing, then just pick up another. I’m looking for freedom, not juggling. This is the program for me, because I believe it. I do believe Christ can do all things, so surely He can help me. I don’t have much, but I have faith. 

Center Of My Life

Here I am

Almost 40. My sister in law, who is 41 said I will change when I hit it. She said it’s the age that you no longer care what people think of you. She said it’s her favorite age and she’s having the time of her life. I’ve really already obtained that for the most part…..but I could use a little more work.

I made it through beach time without a drink. I did have a few other things, I don’t know why other than it was vacation and stupidity. Not enough to even feel anything from it.

I’m praying it was just a slip and that it’s not going to suck me back in. It’s been a few days and I’m fine.

I don’t really know if I’m at the center of my life. I’m a smoker, so I’m sure that’s cut off some years. And 20 plus years of drinking and drugs have taken a toll. And my daily supply of BC powders can’t be good. 

But I am still here for now. 

And I still have dreams and things that drive me. While I’m still waiting for God to tell me my purpose and assist with me working again, I do know where I want to be. 

Alabama and Florida has 100’s of miles of coast land. I want to be near a sliver of one of them. I’d proudly live in a shack, a cottage, a closet or a box. What could be more beautiful than seeing waves every day.

For years and years I’ve begged my husband to move. He always said no I couldn’t work there. I can’t comprehend this. Do you not think construction goes on outside of our major city? Makes no sense. Why should only lucky people get to be born there, or brave people get to move there? Why can’t we?

My best friend’s ex husband move to the Georgia coast a year ago. His new girlfriend is an addict with no job history. He doesn’t have a great job history. But they moved, they go to beach every weekend and seem happier than ever. No fair.

About 2 years ago I broke out the computer and compared cost of living between our state vs. Florida and Alabama. Out of the three, we currently have the highest cost of living, with no beach view. I also looked up his type of work….plenty of it there. This broke his no work argument.

Little by little I’ve been able to get him to see the possibility of making the jump. He is open to it. He can get excited dreaming about it with me. He keeps telling me we are in the 3rd quarter of our life, this would be the time. I can have my car packed in 20 minutes I say.

I prayed the past 2 weeks, please let me see the beach soon. I got to. I often pray, please let us move to the beach….I’ll pray this till I die.

I would do anything to make this happen. This would be truly a dream come true. We are looking into things and he’s calling some contactors down south. I’d go back to school to finish my degree. Finally figure out what I can do with my life, work wise.

Please God. Let us find our little beach town made just for us.

Center

The Most Unromantic Movie on V Day

Do you ever remember a movie from years ago? Remember how much you loved the soundtrack? (Seriously- kick ass soundtrack) Remember how it shocked and moved you? 

Then watch it again and realize it’s actually nothing like you remembered? 

I think I was drunk and high the first go round.

So my dad loves weird movies, hence- I’ll usually give them a try. I remember him calling me. You gotta see this movie. It’s so good. A refrigerator goes after an old lady. Uh ok dad, sounds awesome. So I rented it and watched. This had to have been 2002? 

I watched. I remember being intrigued. I still remember that soundtrack! 

Apparently I forgot how bad it was.

A few years later I told my daughter, hey you should watch this movie.

Last night everyone was on their phones. I told my husband I’m going to watch a movie. And there it was, on Netflix: Requiem For a Dream. 

I ran in and told D, hey that movie I wanted you to watch years ago is on. Then told my oldest (she’s days away from 21, so of age….but still.)

I watched the first little bit alone, then he came and sat with me. 

It was a little bit corny, a little more realistic and a lot more terrifying. My husband kept saying uh, you think this is a good idea? Well I gotta finish it now.

And that music…..

If you’ve never seen it, it’s a wild one. Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly, Ellen Burstyn and Marlon Wayans are people that each plummet into their own addiction hell. The movie is split up into seasons. During the summer they are having a blast, by the next winter…well I won’t spoil it but….

We cringed, I covered my eyes, I was appalled. My daughter watched it in her room so she was about 30 minutes behind our viewing. Uh your dad is really freaked out that I told you about this, maybe you should turn it.

Young adult roll of the eyes. Mom I’m finishing it. Ok well its about to get really bad, so just know it’s been years since I’ve seen it so I didn’t remember it being quite this bad.

Ugh it makes me more grossed out by these kind of people. People acting like they don’t have a choice.  I understand daughter, but you know I feel different. I have a heart for them, but I get it, cause I’m still pissed at my mom, even after all I’ve been through.

She said someone on my FB claims to be an addict. That she shared a post saying addiction is an epidemic, compared it to cancer. It’s not cancer mom. It’s a choice.

Well how about I just tell you how the movie ends? No, I gotta see if he dies in jail….ok then.

I left her alone but was back in her room just as fast. I get it, I see your point. No it’s definitely not cancer. At any time an addict can come to themselves and turn around. No one can just drop cancer. And yes, I can choose to get up and go to mom’s tomorrow, or choose to take care of our home and our business. So you are completely right. But it’s not my choice to be an addict. What would happen if I drank a beer? You wouldn’t stop. 

Right.

Maybe that’s what they mean by no choice? It’s what I would mean. I’d love to sit out by a bonfire and drink with your dad. I’d love to occasionally have some stupid mindless fun. But I make a choice not to because I wouldn’t stop till everything fell apart.

In the middle of it, if you choose the wrong path, you lose your chance to choose. You just can’t see a way out without fighting.

So the movie was horrible (still intriguing!) and made my family uncomfortable. But it opened some dialogue.

At the end I looked at my husband and said and that sir, is why you don’t do drugs.

That soundtrack though! 

Sound

Expectations

What on awesome word on V day.

The day everyone should show their love.

It’s a scam to me.

Oh no, I DEFINITELY believe in love. I’ve had it in my life for over 20 years. I can still look at my husband and be back in high school walking to the library as he yells out hey girl….then proceeds to ask his friends- what’s her name?? **butterflies**

I don’t have expectations for today, I don’t buy into it. Our anniversary is in a few days, that’s our real V day.

I don’t need Hallmark to make him show me he loves me.

I had huge expectations leaving rehab. D I’m good now, love and trust me like before. It will be perfect. Why don’t you trust me? Don’t you see all I’ve done for you? Ugh! Stop being depressed! 

It wasn’t fair to him. Life was harder for him after I left rehab than ever before.

My life has been pure terror- hell. But I’ve been able to resolve it in my head- hey it’s cause I’m an addict. But I can’t imagine from his side.

Watching someone you love go to edge of insanity so many times. Watching someone you love turn into someone you loathe. Watching someone you love destroy you and everything around you, and have no power to stop it. Losing everything you’ve worked for because of someone else.

I’d been banned from his Facebook for a few years. No pictures of me, he didn’t post much but what he did was sad. I completely destroyed his pride. I would try and explain, everyone had their Bullshit!! No one is perfect in this world.

This last relapse he told FB we were getting a divorce. I never knew this because I was a recluse and hid from social media. So recently I’ve had my family ask if I was ok, uh yeah. 

I’ve been told to remember my last day of using. Some parts I’m glad to remember. Like the fact that he came to pick me up out of mom’s house. And came back and came back, until I agreed to get in the car. The fact that he just sat there and never yelled, never judged, just watched and let me know he was there.

In my eyes, my husband is the biggest bad ass- (I like them a little bad) he’s hilarious and works 6-7 days a week for his family. He is the best dad around, everyone tells him this. I honestly don’t deserve what I’ve been given. Every other male I see is compared to him. He’s my rock.

Because of my addiction we lost my car, he lost his prized possession- his 4 wheeler. That was his escape machine- ride away from me and blare music. We fell behind with everything and still aren’t caught up. He’s heard me say just one more time, a million times. Because of me, he can’t/won’t really drink at home. Because of me he walks around in pain and chooses not to handle it, we are both terrified of medicine entering this house.

Something has been totally different since this last relapse. I’m his friend again on Facebook and he actually told the world we are still in this and fighting. He says we had to go to that dark place to get here. This is shocking to me, because those have always been my words. I think this last bout he actually saw it. Saw how fast I can go from being a normal good wife to a drug fiend that cares for no one.

I’ve told him, I don’t know what will happen, who I’ll be. But I’ll try with everything I’ve got and beg God for the strength.

These past few weeks we’ve laughed more, been more relaxed than I can remember. I think we’ve both thrown expectations out the window. I think we both know what we want, but realize we don’t have the power to control the other persons attitude or choices. It’s actually freeing. 

Expectations do nothing but let down everyone involved. I hope D will walk in happy and funny every day, but it’s not fair to expect it. Yesterday he was in pain and ill. And that’s ok cause it’s real life. I offered to do anything and then let him be. And eventually he came around and we had a great night with the kids. 

I had expectations I’d be sober forever. And that was pretty much when I crumbled. 

I don’t want to expect anymore, maybe hope, but expect just adds too much pressure.

Expectation

Music is My Life, Music is My Trigger

​I’m a loyal music fan. I still love the artists I grew up listening to, and I love 99% of the music I hear.
I’ll go to my grave loving Eminem and Kid Rock. I don’t mind seeing them get older, I’m aging too!

But in all seriousness, I have to watch myself when I’m listening. I listen to YouTube 24-7. I can choose my song, radio stations suck.

There are certain songs I absolutely play when I’m at my worst: anything by Rehab, the early Eminem albums, Habits by Tove Lo and a few others. If I’m playing these, my husband is leery- with good reason.

It’s so strange what things will take you back to the worst places.

I think my mom was the same way. I remember watching her drink and sing Patsy Cline all the time.

An artist my husband really likes is coming to our area for a concert. He really wants to go. I’ve told him, go! Take everyone you know, but I can’t do it! His cousin is in recovery too, he’s going. Why can’t I? Cause I’m scared.

I never know what will flip that God awful switch in my brain. 

Seriousness

Relapse Can Be a Killa

I haven’t written in months. I’m still a smoker and still not drinking. But I did fall back in with my mom- which led to drugs drugs and more drugs.

I’ve had to start my sobriety clock over. 

Today marks day 9. I pray with everything I have this is it. That that will be my past.

I thought I had it beat. I remember one of my last comments on this blog was: don’t forget bridges need support too. This sentence haunted me.

How does a sane person return to that darkness? Well, I can only state my own case.

My husband and I were arguing alot. When you have 23 years together plus addictions, there’s bound to be a resentment- or 10. 

I thought I had it beat. God had saved me from it all! So surely I could just unwind and hey, I deserve a little fun! 

I was running solely on my feelings. Not considering those change.

The first few times were euphoric. Awesome. Beautiful. Fun. Exciting. Definitely not boring! And of course I controlled it all! Until I couldn’t anymore. It lasted a total of 3 months. By the last day I was so close to death.

I hadn’t showered in a week. Hadn’t ate in God knows how long. Wouldn’t talk to my kids because of the guilt. I was at my mom’s and held to that house with the tightest grip. Maybe that next one would take away the pain.

I was not myself. My husband tells me it’s like another person comes in. I call it demonic. 

He came to my mom’s house twice that day. The first time I wouldn’t leave with him. 

He came back.

Thank God he came back.

I just watched him look at me. I could see this was killing him and just prayed I would die. No one in my own house deserve what I put them through. 

I don’t know what did it, but I got the last I would get from my dad. And I walked out of that house. I don’t remember the ride home. I don’t remember stopping to eat. I blacked out. I do remember throwing up in my yard when I got home. The rest of the night is blank.

The next day was horrible. I cussed my guy up and down for not getting me what I needed. I laid in my bed all day going through bouts of crying, then yelling…I hate you!!! My husband broke and called my mom. You gotta get her something. I don’t have nothing tor her. The last we had were fakes…..

So I have no clue what I ingested the night before. 

I thank God now that I have a husband that made me shower, made me eat and just held me while I cried that last day.

After x amount of hours, I was able to take a sub. I had 2 at home, only 2. Within 45 minutes my head was back. The drug fiend was gone. I called my pharmacy. I had 20 subs still on file.

I used those 20 subs to get as far from that relapse as I could.

Which brings me to today. No subs since last week. I’m more terrified of my parents today than ever. There’s not really an answer on how an addict deals when their parents are their dealer. Believe me- I’ve googled it. Nothing is there.

(Sidenote- this would be my mom and stepdad. I do have my real dad who would like nothing more than to see my parents out of my life. My Daddy’s not perfect, but I’ve never partied with him- thank God.)

Think what you will…judge if you must but this addiction is an active thing in my body I have to learn to attack. 

I’m still filled with hope. I’ve gotten back to my knees in prayer, back to reading my Bible daily, I’ve even been to church. I’ve found meetings that aren’t AA or NA but based on my beliefs. I’m hoping to start that tonight, finally found one in my area.

I’m 39. I had 2 months of total sobriety since I was 19. I was on top of the world. I could handle it. Until I couldn’t. 

I hope and pray to God this gets easier. And that this time I don’t forget what can happen in just 3 short months. 

This last round almost killed me.

For real. What the heck did I put in my body??

Maybe one day I’ll have a lush life. If nothing else, I still hope to help others. If your an addict, our story is the same. I understand you. I feel for you. I grieve for you. I’ll pray for you. My husband says he’s learned more on this subject than he ever wanted to. But still, he doesn’t understand it all. I do. I hope to express it to help people understand.

Lush

Today Is A Day One- These Suck

I’m trying to stop smoking

I’m trying to stop these drink things I picked up when I quit suboxone

I told my husband my dream is to not depend on any substance to get me through my day

I lost my job 2 months ago. I’m not able to snap my fingers and have another. But I can control the things I’m wasting our money on. 

I’ll never have my beach house as a smoker. I call the shots gas station crack. I’m determined.

I hate day ones

I had a day one of no drinking

I had a day one of no pain killers

I had a day one of no subutex

To me these days are just eerie. Nothing is scarier than putting something down I’ve grown to depend on.

But I also believe it’s time and the right thing to do

Praying praying praying….need to stay prayed up, then pray some more

Here’s to a giant step in helping my household save money. 

(I really hope I don’t have to have another day one tomorrow)

Giant

Eerie