Relapse Can Be a Killa

I haven’t written in months. I’m still a smoker and still not drinking. But I did fall back in with my mom- which led to drugs drugs and more drugs.

I’ve had to start my sobriety clock over. 

Today marks day 9. I pray with everything I have this is it. That that will be my past.

I thought I had it beat. I remember one of my last comments on this blog was: don’t forget bridges need support too. This sentence haunted me.

How does a sane person return to that darkness? Well, I can only state my own case.

My husband and I were arguing alot. When you have 23 years together plus addictions, there’s bound to be a resentment- or 10. 

I thought I had it beat. God had saved me from it all! So surely I could just unwind and hey, I deserve a little fun! 

I was running solely on my feelings. Not considering those change.

The first few times were euphoric. Awesome. Beautiful. Fun. Exciting. Definitely not boring! And of course I controlled it all! Until I couldn’t anymore. It lasted a total of 3 months. By the last day I was so close to death.

I hadn’t showered in a week. Hadn’t ate in God knows how long. Wouldn’t talk to my kids because of the guilt. I was at my mom’s and held to that house with the tightest grip. Maybe that next one would take away the pain.

I was not myself. My husband tells me it’s like another person comes in. I call it demonic. 

He came to my mom’s house twice that day. The first time I wouldn’t leave with him. 

He came back.

Thank God he came back.

I just watched him look at me. I could see this was killing him and just prayed I would die. No one in my own house deserve what I put them through. 

I don’t know what did it, but I got the last I would get from my dad. And I walked out of that house. I don’t remember the ride home. I don’t remember stopping to eat. I blacked out. I do remember throwing up in my yard when I got home. The rest of the night is blank.

The next day was horrible. I cussed my guy up and down for not getting me what I needed. I laid in my bed all day going through bouts of crying, then yelling…I hate you!!! My husband broke and called my mom. You gotta get her something. I don’t have nothing tor her. The last we had were fakes…..

So I have no clue what I ingested the night before. 

I thank God now that I have a husband that made me shower, made me eat and just held me while I cried that last day.

After x amount of hours, I was able to take a sub. I had 2 at home, only 2. Within 45 minutes my head was back. The drug fiend was gone. I called my pharmacy. I had 20 subs still on file.

I used those 20 subs to get as far from that relapse as I could.

Which brings me to today. No subs since last week. I’m more terrified of my parents today than ever. There’s not really an answer on how an addict deals when their parents are their dealer. Believe me- I’ve googled it. Nothing is there.

(Sidenote- this would be my mom and stepdad. I do have my real dad who would like nothing more than to see my parents out of my life. My Daddy’s not perfect, but I’ve never partied with him- thank God.)

Think what you will…judge if you must but this addiction is an active thing in my body I have to learn to attack. 

I’m still filled with hope. I’ve gotten back to my knees in prayer, back to reading my Bible daily, I’ve even been to church. I’ve found meetings that aren’t AA or NA but based on my beliefs. I’m hoping to start that tonight, finally found one in my area.

I’m 39. I had 2 months of total sobriety since I was 19. I was on top of the world. I could handle it. Until I couldn’t. 

I hope and pray to God this gets easier. And that this time I don’t forget what can happen in just 3 short months. 

This last round almost killed me.

For real. What the heck did I put in my body??

Maybe one day I’ll have a lush life. If nothing else, I still hope to help others. If your an addict, our story is the same. I understand you. I feel for you. I grieve for you. I’ll pray for you. My husband says he’s learned more on this subject than he ever wanted to. But still, he doesn’t understand it all. I do. I hope to express it to help people understand.

Lush

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10 thoughts on “Relapse Can Be a Killa”

  1. I love this quote, “It is hard to understand addiction unless you have experienced it.” (Ken Hensley). Even today, some of my family members still don’t understand my daily struggles. It’s good to hear you found your way back to sobriety, so many don’t. Don’t dwell on the past, yet don’t forget it. It happened, its the past, it can’t be changed. But, today, you can move on with a new life if you choose to. It seems you’ve found tools to help you through that process. I look forward to your future posts! Mike.

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    1. Yes, that quote is spot on.
      I’ve been married 23 years….been trying to fight this for about half that time.
      For years my husband said I just let myself use the titles of alcoholic and addict to get away with certain behavior. It’s not till very recently, that he will admit he’s married to someone with a problem. I’ve spent many years trying to explain my head to him with no luck.
      I truly hope this time is it…and that I can remember just enough of my past to keep me out of it again.
      Thank you!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. He may not like this suggestion but here it is; Al-Anon meetings are people that are affected by those with addiction, not necessarily addicts. (The meetings that I went to they despise addicts in their meetings.) They are people walking in his shoes! As for “this time is it”, I suggest to people in recovery, “Always remember your last drink/use of drugs. The day you forget it is the day you will probably relapse.” Again, I hope this helps 🙂

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      2. “The last day was HORRIBLE” is definitely the reason you should not forget it. Hold on to the memory of where you where but strive to be something different. Honestly, he should go alone to the meeting. In my experience, some Al-Anon meetings despise addicts (just saying)! I think it would be good for both of you!

        Liked by 1 person

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