Working On Forgiving

Texted this to my mom today. I’m not ready to talk on the phone, or go see her, but I couldn’t ignore her another year. 

I’m trying to forgive her. I’m learning that is a process too. I heard, this week, that the process is a lot like an onion. Once you have 1 part forgiven, another layer will appear and that 1 needs work too. I’m trying. Here’s my text:

I’ve said before Satan is so good at what he does. He has the ability to drown you in bad memories. This is one way he has my moma bound. It can happen to the best of us!

Sometimes you have to force yourself to remember the good times, and I hope she can do this!

I’m so thankful for my moma! We have plenty of awesome memories together, and I’d like to thank her for that! 

I remember:

The Mickey Mouse cake she slaved for days decorating with 10000900 swirls.

The late night she stayed up (or got up really early) to make sure I had my New Kids on the Block tickets.

The times she took me to church. 

Even that time I didn’t want to go, so I had my best friend “accidentally” leave her shoes at her own house. Obviously my friend couldn’t go to church shoeless. And since she was my guest, I’d just have to stay home with her. Nope. Didn’t work. Mom said fine, none of us will wear shoes. New church visiting with no shoes. 

The time D, me and 4 other friends “surprised” her during a Florida vacation by showing up to their RV in the middle of the night. We were all underage. Moma put our room (that we paid for) on her credit card, and never even yelled when we wrecked it. 

The time she laughed instead of screamed when my cousin and I drew, with chocolate cookies, all over motel sheets. They were completely ruined. 

How hard she laughed at PeeWees Big Adventure. And laughed even harder when the family had that fun night with egg carton eyes. 

That she was with me every time I gave birth. And that she went and bought $200 worth of Captain D’s after I had C. Just because I had a craving.

The way she’s loved Derrick since their first meeting. 

The way she ignored all the smacktalk when we were getting married. 

The way she cared about my friends. 

The day D, me and the kids kidnapped her, broken leg and all, and she had a blast. We took her to Little White House, a place she always wanted to go. She was able to ride the scooter for people with disabilities. I’m pretty sure it was the time of her life. 
And so many more!!!
Despite all of OUR careless actions, we all KNOW YOU have the biggest heart. I love you moma. 
Your MY moma and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in this world!! 

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(How I’m Learning To Not) Hate My Moma Part 1

I could write a million blog posts about our relationship, and it not fully be explained. As a kid I loved her, and I know she loved me. 

My preacher used to preach about intenders. People who will change tomorrow, or next week. Eventually next week is 30 years and you’ve intended your life away. I still beg God, don’t let me be an intender. 

My mom grew up the youngest girl out of 6 kids. 4 brothers and 1 sister. They all have a drug and alcohol past, and 4 of them are either in or have battled full blown addiction. Their parents, my Nana and Papa weren’t drinkers. They were good people who fully served the Lord. My Nana was definitely a one of a kind. If I’m able to have a tenth of the faith she held, I’ll be just fine. We only need a mustard seed anyway.

So my mom didn’t grow up in an addict’s house. She had awesome parents. She was a daddy’s girl and to this day everything she says goes back to her childhood. Same as her sister. They are both stuck in that house in their minds.

My mom had me when she was 19. My parents married but divorced by the time I was 3. My dad tells me it was because of drugs. They had a stash that was to be sold to make some money. Mom took the stash, daddy left moma. I don’t know if that’s the truth, but it’s his truth. Mom says daddy left all the time, which others confirm. That’s her truth.

Moma remarried when I was 5. I was the whiny brat that obsessed over my moma. She was everything to me. We would color, she loved to sing, she loved her own moma and we spent so much time there. She was a good fun person.

But sometimes she drank. One of my first memories was being at the movies with her and some friends. They were all drinking in the parking lot. Hey – I don’t think we are supposed to be doing this. I don’t think you guys are supposed to drive with me in the car after drinking. Shut up, don’t tell your moma what to do. She’s allowed to have fun. She’s the grownup, not you.

I shouldn’t have been there. 

That particular night led to one the biggest fights. My mom would go crazy and my dad would have to try and stop the madness. Moma would throw things, punch, kick and claw. Daddy would try and hold her down. During this fight I called my Nana. You’ve got to get me out of here. She did, at least for that night. 

I’ve learned more about moma’s battle by looking back and realizing, oh she was on drugs then. She was a drinker at this time. So many things fell in place, and made sense. 

There was a time period my moma worked for a year. My step dad, stayed home with me. He always cooked and cleaned and the house ran smooth. Mom reminded us about this period for years. I’ve worked, don’t you remember?? I worked while he stayed home!! I’ve done things!!  My parents have been married 34 years. He did not work for 2 years combined over the years. She only worked one. He always provided. I always had what I needed when it was him doing the caring. 

Mom had some surgeries, and I grew up in a specific doctor’s office. I knew all the ladies by name, and spent so much time sitting on the footstool of the big table as she would sit above me with her latest complaint. 

I was a kid. This was my normal. Knock down fights, lunches on the footstool and hanging out with nurses.

But still she was a great mom. She loved me and I knew it. For my 5th birthday she made me a huge Mickey Mouse cake for my birthday. She decorated it for what seemed like days. Until her carpal tunnel flared up. Just kidding. No I’m not, it flared. I heard about it for years. Remember when I made that cake?? Oh yes, I remember how you took an awesome memory and turned it into a “see what all I’ve done for you!”

My parents tried to have another baby and I became a big sister. I was 8 years old. I loved that girl. It was my job to protect that girl. And oh how I tried. The fighting would start, I’d run to her room and close my door in that tiny house. I’d play with her and try to sing real loud. It gave me something to do, instead of just listening to the choas right outside my room.

 I was a happy kid. Like I said, it was my normal. 

There is so much more to tell. The affair, the murder and the scary friends mom picked over us. 

Hopefully it will seep through my words thatI really don’t hate her. Some parts of her I know with a fierceness because I’ve been there too. But other parts of her I’m still processing. My hope is that pouring it all out will allow the remaining pieces to fall into place. 

I’m not just a whiny girl that had an awful childhood. My childhood wasn’t awful and I truly truly loved my moma. She wanted so bad to be a different version of herself and she was for a long time. She was a functioning addict, until she just couldn’t function. It can happen to the best of us.

Millions

Rehab Forgot To Teach Me Two Things

I walked out of rehab and climbed into my daddy’s truck, my real dad. He was going to buy my first $300 round of medicine.
I was so glad to be free and ready to see my husband. I was only gone from my house for 2 weeks, but mentally I hadn’t been there in years.

I learned some good information: stay away from your previous party partner, go to meetings, get a sponsor, addiction is a spiritual issue, and sobriety is possible.
But my rehab forgot to tell me two of my major effects.

Exhaustion

I was subdued for 7 months. I drove only at certain times, and only short distances. I had to battle falling asleep at the wheel. It was miserable. I would sleep walk or get up at night and fall asleep sitting up at random places. It creeped out my husband. We would argue- see?? You weren’t addicted! It’s this medicine! If you truly had a problem you wouldn’t have to adjust to the medicine. My doctor would tell me, it’s not the medicine, keep taking it. Parts of this time were just as dark and depressing as the drug days. But now I had nothing to numb me, to pick me back up, to make me feel better. I had to feel every emotion in real time, which totally sucked. This stopped as suddenly as it started. It stopped when I got a job. I’ll never know if the inability to keep my eyes open was because of the medicine or depression, I believe it was depression.

Survivor’s Guilt

I have many addicts in my family. On my mom’s side and my dad’s. My parents are both addicts and alcoholics. My dad functions but not my mom. They are divorced and have been since I was 3. I’m waiting for the call that my mom has passed. I honestly can’t believe she is still here with all she has done to her body over the years. I feel guilty because I’m sober today, and she always intended to get here. I feel guilty because my 30 year old cousin had no hope in his addiction and depression, and killed himself years ago. I feel guilty because my uncle lost everything he had, even his family and couldn’t afford the drugs anymore, so he turned back to drinking. I feel guilty because his drinking led to an accident which took his life. He was only in his forties.
Why?
Why am I free today, and two people I love so much are dead and the other is mentally gone?
I’m thankful for my spot today but I feel extreme guilt. I’m no different than they were. I’m not a strong person, I’m not. I knew I wanted sober living and I put my blinders on and only focused on my husband and kids till I gave it all to God. But they could have done it too. Why didn’t they do it too?

Daily Word Prompt: Subdued