Center Of My Life

Here I am

Almost 40. My sister in law, who is 41 said I will change when I hit it. She said it’s the age that you no longer care what people think of you. She said it’s her favorite age and she’s having the time of her life. I’ve really already obtained that for the most part…..but I could use a little more work.

I made it through beach time without a drink. I did have a few other things, I don’t know why other than it was vacation and stupidity. Not enough to even feel anything from it.

I’m praying it was just a slip and that it’s not going to suck me back in. It’s been a few days and I’m fine.

I don’t really know if I’m at the center of my life. I’m a smoker, so I’m sure that’s cut off some years. And 20 plus years of drinking and drugs have taken a toll. And my daily supply of BC powders can’t be good. 

But I am still here for now. 

And I still have dreams and things that drive me. While I’m still waiting for God to tell me my purpose and assist with me working again, I do know where I want to be. 

Alabama and Florida has 100’s of miles of coast land. I want to be near a sliver of one of them. I’d proudly live in a shack, a cottage, a closet or a box. What could be more beautiful than seeing waves every day.

For years and years I’ve begged my husband to move. He always said no I couldn’t work there. I can’t comprehend this. Do you not think construction goes on outside of our major city? Makes no sense. Why should only lucky people get to be born there, or brave people get to move there? Why can’t we?

My best friend’s ex husband move to the Georgia coast a year ago. His new girlfriend is an addict with no job history. He doesn’t have a great job history. But they moved, they go to beach every weekend and seem happier than ever. No fair.

About 2 years ago I broke out the computer and compared cost of living between our state vs. Florida and Alabama. Out of the three, we currently have the highest cost of living, with no beach view. I also looked up his type of work….plenty of it there. This broke his no work argument.

Little by little I’ve been able to get him to see the possibility of making the jump. He is open to it. He can get excited dreaming about it with me. He keeps telling me we are in the 3rd quarter of our life, this would be the time. I can have my car packed in 20 minutes I say.

I prayed the past 2 weeks, please let me see the beach soon. I got to. I often pray, please let us move to the beach….I’ll pray this till I die.

I would do anything to make this happen. This would be truly a dream come true. We are looking into things and he’s calling some contactors down south. I’d go back to school to finish my degree. Finally figure out what I can do with my life, work wise.

Please God. Let us find our little beach town made just for us.

Center

Expectations 

What on awesome word on V day.

The day everyone should show their love.

It’s a scam to me.

Oh no, I DEFINITELY believe in love. I’ve had it in my life for over 20 years. I can still look at my husband and be back in high school walking to the library as he yells out hey girl….then proceeds to ask his friends- what’s her name?? **butterflies**

I don’t have expectations for today, I don’t buy into it. Our anniversary is in a few days, that’s our real V day.

I don’t need Hallmark to make him show me he loves me.

I had huge expectations leaving rehab. D I’m good now, love and trust me like before. It will be perfect. Why don’t you trust me? Don’t you see all I’ve done for you? Ugh! Stop being depressed! 

It wasn’t fair to him. Life was harder for him after I left rehab than ever before.

My life has been pure terror- hell. But I’ve been able to resolve it in my head- hey it’s cause I’m an addict. But I can’t imagine from his side.

Watching someone you love go to edge of insanity so many times. Watching someone you love turn into someone you loathe. Watching someone you love destroy you and everything around you, and have no power to stop it. Losing everything you’ve worked for because of someone else.

I’d been banned from his Facebook for a few years. No pictures of me, he didn’t post much but what he did was sad. I completely destroyed his pride. I would try and explain, everyone had their Bullshit!! No one is perfect in this world.

This last relapse he told FB we were getting a divorce. I never knew this because I was a recluse and hid from social media. So recently I’ve had my family ask if I was ok, uh yeah. 

I’ve been told to remember my last day of using. Some parts I’m glad to remember. Like the fact that he came to pick me up out of mom’s house. And came back and came back, until I agreed to get in the car. The fact that he just sat there and never yelled, never judged, just watched and let me know he was there.

In my eyes, my husband is the biggest bad ass- (I like them a little bad) he’s hilarious and works 6-7 days a week for his family. He is the best dad around, everyone tells him this. I honestly don’t deserve what I’ve been given. Every other male I see is compared to him. He’s my rock.

Because of my addiction we lost my car, he lost his prized possession- his 4 wheeler. That was his escape machine- ride away from me and blare music. We fell behind with everything and still aren’t caught up. He’s heard me say just one more time, a million times. Because of me, he can’t/won’t really drink at home. Because of me he walks around in pain and chooses not to handle it, we are both terrified of medicine entering this house.

Something has been totally different since this last relapse. I’m his friend again on Facebook and he actually told the world we are still in this and fighting. He says we had to go to that dark place to get here. This is shocking to me, because those have always been my words. I think this last bout he actually saw it. Saw how fast I can go from being a normal good wife to a drug fiend that cares for no one.

I’ve told him, I don’t know what will happen, who I’ll be. But I’ll try with everything I’ve got and beg God for the strength.

These past few weeks we’ve laughed more, been more relaxed than I can remember. I think we’ve both thrown expectations out the window. I think we both know what we want, but realize we don’t have the power to control the other persons attitude or choices. It’s actually freeing. 

Expectations do nothing but let down everyone involved. I hope D will walk in happy and funny every day, but it’s not fair to expect it. Yesterday he was in pain and ill. And that’s ok cause it’s real life. I offered to do anything and then let him be. And eventually he came around and we had a great night with the kids. 

I had expectations I’d be sober forever. And that was pretty much when I crumbled. 

I don’t want to expect anymore, maybe hope, but expect just adds too much pressure.

Expectation