What’s Next For Me

​For years I pushed and pushed to just be.

Be normal, be settled, be calm, be peaceful, be happy, be kind, be a good mom and wife.

And little by little, I’m making progress. My 20 year old daughter says I’m her best friend. 2 years ago she would look at me with disgust, I NEVER blamed her!

I’m praying for God to show me my path now. Of course I’ve realized, He will in His own time. But I’m impatient, I want it now. I’m almost 40, not that that is old, but I want to know! I feel it’s urgent to start some plans.

I haven’t been a total loser. I’ve been so lucky with jobs, I’ve had multiple that I’ve loved. And I have some college behind me. But I dropped that during the peak of my addiction.

I learned in college that I still suck at Math but I loved to write. I never knew this about me. And according to my teacher, I’m okay at it!

My husband keeps pushing me to go back, finish what I’ve started. I’m scared no one will let me back in. I’m scared to get into more debt without knowing what I should be.

I know what I want to do. I want to write a book on addiction and the hope I’ve found. I want to be a drug counselor. I want to help some girl that is lost like I was and show her…hold on! It’s still possible to just be!

I want to have the confidence to pick up my camera again, and photograph what I want. (I also want my hands to quit shaking so I can actually take a sharp picture.)

But I’ve learned I don’t want to pick my path again. I want to know without a doubt, I’m following God’s plan for me. This is where it gets tricky. I don’t want to run ahead of God, but I don’t want to lag behind either.

I’ve found joy, peace and happiness. Now if I can find some patience and wisdom to know my next step. 

Urgent

Addiction Doesn’t Start Out Awful

​My life wasn’t always awful. I’ve had plenty of good times! To me, this is one of the scariest parts. You’re coasting through, partyin’, as I called it. You’re lucky because you’ve found a stress reliever and it’s FUN!! And then BAM! You’re caught inside your own body and mind and you can’t escape yourself.
As a kid, I never thought to myself, I sure do hope I’m caught up in addiction when I grow up! Won’t that be exciting?? No! I wanted to be a marine bologist. Which I’m not.

Looking back at my teens, I can see how this all happened. Hindsight and all. At 15 I found alcohol. I was the crazy one of my group. They would sip their drinks, I’d guzzel. My best friend wouldn’t touch beer, I’d drink anything. I would drink until I was completely gone. I did so many things I regret, or just don’t remember.

I ended up passing out on some strangers porch. I talked my friend into burning some boy’s initials on my arm, with a cigarette. I slept with a boy, that I didn’t know. I stole my friends parents alcohol. I spent many nights on my friends bathroom floor just begging God to make the house stop spinning, and I’d never drink again. That was a lie.

All this between the ages of 15-16. I wonder sonetimes, where the hell were my parents, but then I try to stop blaming others.

I guess I was a binge drinker. I could go long periods without it, but if I knew I could access it, I’d drink till the last drop. Then I got married. I had babies. I was good. We didn’t drink. We took care of our life.

Fast forward to the age of 19. I had 2 daughters and my guy. We had our own place, but I was always at my mom’s. Always waiting for her to hang out with me and show me attention. I had a earache. Here, take this, you will feel better.

My mom had tried to push her pills on her kids for years, we always said no. That time I didn’t. And she was right, I felt better. I had no pain and wow…I even scrubbed my house and became super mom! My entire body felt alive.

I had no clue I was signing away 20 years of my life. I had no clue I’d get so caught up in the pills, then go back to just alcohol, then back to pills and add the alcohol.

I honestly didn’t know.

The fun is super fun until it’s not fun anymore, then it’s a nightmare.

This brings me to my kids today. My blood runs through theirs. My husbands as well. Addiction is everywhere on both sides of our family.

I’ve always been brutally honest with my kids. I tell my daughter please be careful. I hate that she drinks sometimes. But she’s also an adult. My husband says I’m over reacting.

If I could talk to younger kids, I would say, YES!! Have fun!! Enjoy your life!! But PLEASE be careful. You don’t really know your an addict until it’s too late.

What will be that drink or drug that you try, that you won’t be able to put down? Sometimes to find out that answer, you have to lose yourself for awhile. It took me 20 years to get myself back. And some never get to come back at all.

Trust In Things or People of This World? Nah

​When I overcame my depression, it felt like a light switch came on in my life. I got a job, my husband liked me again and my kids were coming back to me. I was a productive member of my family. I had everything I’d ever wanted, or so I thought.
I was doing it all on my own. I didn’t need God or meetings.
Of course there was that minor issue in my life. I was dependent on suboxone. So what, I’d tell my husband. Look how far I’ve come. You’ll have to get over it. I’m not as bad as my mom anymore, right? What more do you want from me? I’ve done everything you asked of me and your still not happy. Ugh, I’ll just never be who you want. I’ll come off next month, ok maybe next year. Look my doctor said I can stay on it forever. 
That was it. That was his final straw. Those were the words that turned his life inside out. I didn’t know it, but he was preparing to leave me. 
I was so positive I was right and he was wrong. I couldn’t see the person I’d become. Yes, I was “sober” but I wasn’t me. My entire life was a routine. Get up, brush teeth, take kids to school, work, go to sleep. Keep your head down, don’t mingle with anyone. Just breathe and smile. My heart was still cold. Not to my kids, but to outside people and my husband. If only they would all realize everything I’d done to get better. 
My daughter was going through her third round of Bells Paisley. I found an old book of my grandmothers. Proving God. It went on and on about the Power of Prayer. I wanted this, my husband needed this. He should get right and be happy again. I looked at my daughter, I’m doing this. I’m praying for 30 days on purpose. Watch how much our life will change, just watch it get better.
I never ever could have imagined what the next 30 days would hold. 
No, everything did not get better. Yes, everything changed. 
Every thing and every person I had my trust in, was about to crumble. God was ready for me to come to the end of myself. 

Rehab Forgot To Teach Me Two Things

I walked out of rehab and climbed into my daddy’s truck, my real dad. He was going to buy my first $300 round of medicine.
I was so glad to be free and ready to see my husband. I was only gone from my house for 2 weeks, but mentally I hadn’t been there in years.

I learned some good information: stay away from your previous party partner, go to meetings, get a sponsor, addiction is a spiritual issue, and sobriety is possible.
But my rehab forgot to tell me two of my major effects.

Exhaustion

I was subdued for 7 months. I drove only at certain times, and only short distances. I had to battle falling asleep at the wheel. It was miserable. I would sleep walk or get up at night and fall asleep sitting up at random places. It creeped out my husband. We would argue- see?? You weren’t addicted! It’s this medicine! If you truly had a problem you wouldn’t have to adjust to the medicine. My doctor would tell me, it’s not the medicine, keep taking it. Parts of this time were just as dark and depressing as the drug days. But now I had nothing to numb me, to pick me back up, to make me feel better. I had to feel every emotion in real time, which totally sucked. This stopped as suddenly as it started. It stopped when I got a job. I’ll never know if the inability to keep my eyes open was because of the medicine or depression, I believe it was depression.

Survivor’s Guilt

I have many addicts in my family. On my mom’s side and my dad’s. My parents are both addicts and alcoholics. My dad functions but not my mom. They are divorced and have been since I was 3. I’m waiting for the call that my mom has passed. I honestly can’t believe she is still here with all she has done to her body over the years. I feel guilty because I’m sober today, and she always intended to get here. I feel guilty because my 30 year old cousin had no hope in his addiction and depression, and killed himself years ago. I feel guilty because my uncle lost everything he had, even his family and couldn’t afford the drugs anymore, so he turned back to drinking. I feel guilty because his drinking led to an accident which took his life. He was only in his forties.
Why?
Why am I free today, and two people I love so much are dead and the other is mentally gone?
I’m thankful for my spot today but I feel extreme guilt. I’m no different than they were. I’m not a strong person, I’m not. I knew I wanted sober living and I put my blinders on and only focused on my husband and kids till I gave it all to God. But they could have done it too. Why didn’t they do it too?

Daily Word Prompt: Subdued

What I’m Learning In My Recovery

I need God. Not a god, not some god, I need my God. The One that created me. The one that knows how many strands of hair I have on my head. The only One that I trust to set my mind straight.

I need people. It’s not good for me to lock myself in my room all day.

People need me. My family missed me.

I love to go do things.

I needed rehab. I needed Subutex.

I need prayer. Not the please Jesus help me sleep and bless my family prayer. But the hold my face in my hands and cry out help me God. Please I’m begging for peace. You know what I need to manage, so pour it over me. Cry out prayers are the best ones.

My recovery path has been the best path for me. You may need meetings and sponsors, and I’m just glad you found your path. As long as we get to the same place, we don’t need to judge each others way.

I’m grateful for every tear that fell, every fight my husband and I had and that my kids hated me. I’m grateful that they would not put up with the madness and wouldn’t let me be the sole victim.

It’s ok to forgive and move on. I don’t have to jump to hate when you hurt me.

I’ve learned that I really really like me. I’m a good person with a big heart. I’m in love with my husband and I’ve worked like crazy to make my kids proud of me.

My favorite word is restless. And I’m so grateful to be restless no more.

Fears From My Addiction

I was trapped in my own skin. There wasn’t a place more terrifying. It was dark and lonely, even though my home was full of people. They all looked at me with confusion. Just put it down. Just stop my husband would say.

What?
Everything I did revolved around my goods for the day.
My mind would race, if I just stopped how would my life go? How would I do anything I enjoyed sober?

How would I
Listen to music, go on vacation, take care of my kids, have the drive to do anything,  be funny, enjoy a bonfire, spend time with my husband, surf the web, stay up all night, go to a concert, watch my husband grill, brush my teeth, take a shower, cook, clean, talk on the phone, text anyone, leave my house?
Would sex still be as good?
How could I just be, without my drugs?

It seems silly now looking back. I’ve done most of these things sober and it’s more enjoyable. I can remember what I’ve said and done. I don’t have to spend countless hours searching for a pill to start my day. I don’t have to think of a new way to talk my husband into drinking with me. And I wake up every morning with no shame.

I used to cry all those questions to my husband. But most of all I’d ask him what if you don’t like me sober? What if I’m boring?

Sometimes I still feel bad he doesn’t have a wife that can drink one beer and hang out. He tells me this is silly.

And for the record, sex is way better. And I’m not boring. I’m a pretty neat person. Where I’ve come from doesn’t hold a candle to where I am today.

I can’t be the only addict that had these crazy fears and thoughts.

Daily Prompt: Candle

Clumsy Rainey

I used to think Rainey was clumsy. Later I realized her issues were way more serious.

Yearly she had some major surgery. If you look at her body now, she could show you a map of scars from her favorite doctor. In between the surgeries, there were burns, cuts and broken bones. A car wreck messed up her teeth, a horse accident cost her her spleen, her appendix had to go, the pet pitbull ran into her and caused a broken leg.

How could so many accidents happen to just one person? How many surgeries does one human need?

Apparently the need for more trips to the hospital coincided with the amount of pills left in the drawer.

I grew up feeling pity for my mother. Poor thing, she needs to lie down, she is tired. It’s not until I was a grown up, caught up in my addiction beside her, that I realized what I had seen all my life. I’d seen an addict getting her fix. I’m not saying every fall or trip was on purpose, but I’ll never believe in so many accidents for one life.

If you talk to Rainey now, she is an eternal victim. Her kids are mean, because they won’t talk to her. Her husband is mean because he doesn’t make his kids come over. Her body hurts and her friends keep stealing her drugs.

I wonder if Rainey could do it all over again, if she would stay clumsy. Or maybe she would wisen up and be more careful.

Daily prompt:Clumsy

My Name Is Anonymous And I’m an Alcoholic and Addict

This is not my first blog. I started a few during the dark parts of my addiction. Then started another when I began my recovery. I feel it is a good time to start over and go back to the beginning of my story. Maybe one day my story will help another. But for now, I’m satisfied with this helping only me while I sort this out.

Today I love my life, but it wasn’t always like this. There were times I wanted to die and times I tried. I felt worthless and had no hope. But those feelings have been replaced. Life isn’t perfect now, but I deal with it better. A few days into my recovery, I had a family member pass away. The first time I saw family in years was at his funeral, but I made it through and stayed sober. I stayed in a self made cocoon for years, hiding from everyone. I’m glad that is no longer the case.

I’m 39 years old. I am a female. I am a mother of 4. I am a wife, and have been for 23 years. I am a sister. I am a daughter of an addicted and alcoholic mother. I am a daughter of an addicted step dad. I am a daughter of an alcoholic dad.

Miraculously I made it out. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t easy. But I’ve made it. I am the person that my mother always intended to be. But I’m on no pedestal. I was lucky. God showed me an escape and I ran towards it like crazy.

I have no shame for where I’ve been, only goals for where I am going.