For years I pushed and pushed to just be.
Be normal, be settled, be calm, be peaceful, be happy, be kind, be a good mom and wife.
And little by little, I’m making progress. My 20 year old daughter says I’m her best friend. 2 years ago she would look at me with disgust, I NEVER blamed her!
I’m praying for God to show me my path now. Of course I’ve realized, He will in His own time. But I’m impatient, I want it now. I’m almost 40, not that that is old, but I want to know! I feel it’s urgent to start some plans.
I haven’t been a total loser. I’ve been so lucky with jobs, I’ve had multiple that I’ve loved. And I have some college behind me. But I dropped that during the peak of my addiction.
I learned in college that I still suck at Math but I loved to write. I never knew this about me. And according to my teacher, I’m okay at it!
My husband keeps pushing me to go back, finish what I’ve started. I’m scared no one will let me back in. I’m scared to get into more debt without knowing what I should be.
I know what I want to do. I want to write a book on addiction and the hope I’ve found. I want to be a drug counselor. I want to help some girl that is lost like I was and show her…hold on! It’s still possible to just be!
I want to have the confidence to pick up my camera again, and photograph what I want. (I also want my hands to quit shaking so I can actually take a sharp picture.)
But I’ve learned I don’t want to pick my path again. I want to know without a doubt, I’m following God’s plan for me. This is where it gets tricky. I don’t want to run ahead of God, but I don’t want to lag behind either.
I’ve found joy, peace and happiness. Now if I can find some patience and wisdom to know my next step.