Rehab Forgot To Teach Me Two Things

I walked out of rehab and climbed into my daddy’s truck, my real dad. He was going to buy my first $300 round of medicine.
I was so glad to be free and ready to see my husband. I was only gone from my house for 2 weeks, but mentally I hadn’t been there in years.

I learned some good information: stay away from your previous party partner, go to meetings, get a sponsor, addiction is a spiritual issue, and sobriety is possible.
But my rehab forgot to tell me two of my major effects.

Exhaustion

I was subdued for 7 months. I drove only at certain times, and only short distances. I had to battle falling asleep at the wheel. It was miserable. I would sleep walk or get up at night and fall asleep sitting up at random places. It creeped out my husband. We would argue- see?? You weren’t addicted! It’s this medicine! If you truly had a problem you wouldn’t have to adjust to the medicine. My doctor would tell me, it’s not the medicine, keep taking it. Parts of this time were just as dark and depressing as the drug days. But now I had nothing to numb me, to pick me back up, to make me feel better. I had to feel every emotion in real time, which totally sucked. This stopped as suddenly as it started. It stopped when I got a job. I’ll never know if the inability to keep my eyes open was because of the medicine or depression, I believe it was depression.

Survivor’s Guilt

I have many addicts in my family. On my mom’s side and my dad’s. My parents are both addicts and alcoholics. My dad functions but not my mom. They are divorced and have been since I was 3. I’m waiting for the call that my mom has passed. I honestly can’t believe she is still here with all she has done to her body over the years. I feel guilty because I’m sober today, and she always intended to get here. I feel guilty because my 30 year old cousin had no hope in his addiction and depression, and killed himself years ago. I feel guilty because my uncle lost everything he had, even his family and couldn’t afford the drugs anymore, so he turned back to drinking. I feel guilty because his drinking led to an accident which took his life. He was only in his forties.
Why?
Why am I free today, and two people I love so much are dead and the other is mentally gone?
I’m thankful for my spot today but I feel extreme guilt. I’m no different than they were. I’m not a strong person, I’m not. I knew I wanted sober living and I put my blinders on and only focused on my husband and kids till I gave it all to God. But they could have done it too. Why didn’t they do it too?

Daily Word Prompt: Subdued

10 thoughts on “Rehab Forgot To Teach Me Two Things”

  1. Wow. I’m so drawn to your story! Beautifully written. I can stand in your shoes when it comes to guilt and being “free” yet still bound in some way to the guilt of being free. My father is an alcoholic and also verbally abusive. In some ways, my mother is verbally abusive too, perhaps as a result of being abused by my father for years and seeing it play out in her childhood by others. And I have a younger brother who’s 14, and he deals with their struggles and is subject to some ounces of abuse (still not as much as I was abused growing up). And now that I’m free from that house and all the darkness of it, I too feel guilty for being free and my mother and brother not being free too. However, I’m learning daily that God has a purpose for me and that purpose is greater than just me. It’s for my son (who is 1), my husband, and others who have a similar story. So know that God has brought you out for you to be a testament and living proof that it IS possible to be free of addiction! Unfortunately, we can’t always bring those we love in our “healing” stages because they have to want it too. You can’t want it for them alone. Stay encouraged! I am rooting for you! XoX

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    2. I really appreciate what you’ve said here. You are so right that we are here for the other people in our lives. I try to throw all my energy into my kids and husband, and every ounce or trust and faith on God.
      I hate to know that for your brother and I hope he’s able to see that is not the life he wants.
      Verbal abuse does rub off one parent onto another, I’ve been a victim and have lashed out as well.
      If I could touch every addict or show them, just turn around and give it to God, I would!! But your right that they have to want it too.
      I can tell that you’ve been through hell and back too. I can’t imagine what I put my kids through. I’m so grateful mine are giving me another chance.
      Thank you thank you for writing me!!

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      1. Thank you for your honesty! The thing to focus on is your family and the fact that they love you enough to be with you through this. Don’t count your mistakes. Your mistakes are what shape your story to help others! You are more than what you’ve put others through. And I’m sure that your husband and kids feel that you are amazing! 🙂

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  2. Most people underestimate how much work recovery is. Maybe that’s why your relatives didn’t make it. Many won’t make it. But I believe you are strong and wise. Just because we feel overwhelmed and terrified doesn’t mean we are not strong. You are still here for a reason that you are living one day at a time. You make important points about the feelings that come in early recovery. It’s called Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome or PAWS. For some people it’s anxiety, some depression, confusion, and/or exhaustion. But with a sponsor, meetings, aftercare counseling, (aka a program) I believe you will continue to learn coping skills that will lead you to better days and better years. I admire your courage. Thanks for following me at “Anything is Possible!” Glad to find you!

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    1. I appreciate what you’ve said! I didn’t know it had a name at all. I just knew I was suffering through it and couldn’t see why.
      I’m glad to have found you as well! Look forward to reading…I see you used the word hope on your blog and that little word is so important to me.

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