I walked out of rehab and climbed into my daddy’s truck, my real dad. He was going to buy my first $300 round of medicine.
I was so glad to be free and ready to see my husband. I was only gone from my house for 2 weeks, but mentally I hadn’t been there in years.
I learned some good information: stay away from your previous party partner, go to meetings, get a sponsor, addiction is a spiritual issue, and sobriety is possible.
But my rehab forgot to tell me two of my major effects.
I was subdued for 7 months. I drove only at certain times, and only short distances. I had to battle falling asleep at the wheel. It was miserable. I would sleep walk or get up at night and fall asleep sitting up at random places. It creeped out my husband. We would argue- see?? You weren’t addicted! It’s this medicine! If you truly had a problem you wouldn’t have to adjust to the medicine. My doctor would tell me, it’s not the medicine, keep taking it. Parts of this time were just as dark and depressing as the drug days. But now I had nothing to numb me, to pick me back up, to make me feel better. I had to feel every emotion in real time, which totally sucked. This stopped as suddenly as it started. It stopped when I got a job. I’ll never know if the inability to keep my eyes open was because of the medicine or depression, I believe it was depression.
I have many addicts in my family. On my mom’s side and my dad’s. My parents are both addicts and alcoholics. My dad functions but not my mom. They are divorced and have been since I was 3. I’m waiting for the call that my mom has passed. I honestly can’t believe she is still here with all she has done to her body over the years. I feel guilty because I’m sober today, and she always intended to get here. I feel guilty because my 30 year old cousin had no hope in his addiction and depression, and killed himself years ago. I feel guilty because my uncle lost everything he had, even his family and couldn’t afford the drugs anymore, so he turned back to drinking. I feel guilty because his drinking led to an accident which took his life. He was only in his forties.
Why am I free today, and two people I love so much are dead and the other is mentally gone?
I’m thankful for my spot today but I feel extreme guilt. I’m no different than they were. I’m not a strong person, I’m not. I knew I wanted sober living and I put my blinders on and only focused on my husband and kids till I gave it all to God. But they could have done it too. Why didn’t they do it too?
Daily Word Prompt: Subdued