Obsessions or Loyalties 

My brain doesn’t work like others. After living with it my whole life, I’ve accepted it, and I actually like that I’m a little different.

I’ve said before that I’m loyal to the same things I loved 20 some odd years ago. It takes a lot to get me to open up to something new. 

My TV stays on Investigation Discovery. If I could pay for just this one channel, I’d cancel all the rest. If it’s a rerun I can tell you who lived and died and how it happened. I spoil every show for my husband. (He really doesn’t appreciate true crime like me.)  When they play the few shows I hate, I flip my fancy new TV to the app and pick my own. Loyal to my channel.

My daughter bought me the best gift ever. I drive an older model car (it was free) that doesn’t have an aux hole. She bought a lighter adapter. That means I can hook up my phone and play MY songs through the radio. New stations pretty much suck, and I’m just a better DJ. I do have a few newer singers I like but mostly I listen to older music. Loyal fan and all. (When my husband rides he wants country….yuck! I’ll smile and say yay but….just yuck.) Loyal to my music.

In keeping with my line of staying loyal to who I am, I never buy new clothes. I like what I have. I don’t do lipstick unless it’s chapstick, and I’ve worn heels once- for a wedding. I HAD to being the maid of honor and all. They were on my feet for the service, then never again. I’m a jeans and tshirt girl. I live in the south and every other female wears sandals and fancy stuff. I just go in my kids closet and grab their Vans or Converse and I’m ready to go. Loyal to my brands.

When we eat, I’ll definitely try anything once, but only if it’s on your plate. I order the same thing at Waffle House, Red Lobster, Longhorn, Captain D’s any place…every time. I always get a menu, take 20 minutes to look over it all, wait till my husband starts rolling his eyes then say fine- you know what to order for me. Loyal to my food.

My friends are the same as when I turned 15. We don’t talk as much, but I still refer to them as my best friends. And if they ever needed me, I’d be there in a second. Loyal to my friends.

I grew up watching the most important people in my life stand behind a camera and shoot. I once sold every piece of jewelry to buy my own camera. Photography is my passion. (I’ve let anxiety and fear keep it out of my hands, but just you wait, one day I’ll pick it back up.) I can flip through photographs for hours, you literally have to tear me away. Loyal to my passions. (When I’m not scared.)

I’ve grown up in church. Through the years, I’ve not walked in what I believe to be right, but I still trust it. I’m a firm believer of prayer and the one thing I have is faith. (You only have to have a mustard seed amount anyway.) Loyal to my belief system.

I’ve been with the same man since he was a boy. I’ve put him through craziness with my addictions, but I’ve never strayed. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone but him. Our kids are awesome. They really are. I wish they knew how proud I was of them. I am extremely loyal to my family when I’m walking down the right path.

If we go on a trip, I will go if it’s to the beach I want. And I will talk you into staying at the same hotel that I’ve went to as a kid. It’s my home away from home and I’m comfortable there. You can have a fancy high rise. Give me the deck that I used to sit on with my papa. Loyal to my spots.

My husband has learned to deal with my quirks. I get extremely nervous about doing new things. What if I can’t wear my tennis shoes?? I never thought any of my loyalties were anything different until I’ve watched it through my kids. I have 2 that obsess on things. I try to tell them why can’t you try something new? My husband looks at me like who are you?

The other day I heard a lady on talk radio. The topic was “what is a main attraction of our town you’ve never visited.” I’ve lived here my entire life and didn’t know half the places people were calling in about. Apparently there’s a huge world outside my hideout. Anyway- the lady said I’ve made a New Year’s Resolution to visit one new place a month. She said it’s the only resolution she’s ever been able to keep. It can be a new park, a new (to you) tourist spot, even a new park. Just something new.

I’m totally trying this. My husband works 6-7 days a week, but surely I can cram some new stuff in our life. 

I found out from that same radio show, I live about 2 hours from a safari. A SAFARI….in the south. I’m sure it’s not a uppity fancy safari, so I’m pretty sure I can wear my kids clothes and fit right in. (That sounds weird- my son has skate pants, and I’ll grab any t….and I’ve already explained my shoes.)

For our anniversary we went to the same of state parks we’ve went to for a million years. BUT we walked a new trail. Went down a different side of the waterfall. We didn’t follow the crowd. It was a tougher hike but we had a blast and found out the huge waterfall we’ve seen over and over turns into a beautiful lazy river. I would’ve never known…if we hadn’t tried something new.

I like my loyalties, they bring me comfort. But they do lean to the extreme of obsessions, I see that now. But I think I’m ready for the challenge of seeing new things. Maybe I can just be just as loyal to new things.

Hideout

Happy 23!

Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary. Well not just mine, mine and my husbands.

Neither of us know how we got to this landmark. We’ve both wanted to give up over the years, but never at the same time.

You share so much history after this many years together, but it’s sped by! We were married as kids, 16 years old. 

He always says we’ve raised each other, and we have.

My Papa had a wall at his house of everyone’s wedding pictures. As they would divorce, he’d take the pictures down. He never put up pictures of the second or third marriages…..not out of spite- he aged and just didn’t update with new pictures. He passed away last month. There are only 2 pictures left on that wedding wall….mine and D’s. And my Nanny and Papa’s.

I’m not a hater of divorce, sometimes it just doesn’t work out! But I’m personally grateful we pushed through the it’s over phases, or the I hate you phases. Every one of those phases made our foundation a little stronger when we made up.

It’s honestly been a blur…  

Anyway….not too long today because it’s a rare off day for him and I want to spend time with him.

Marriage is hard, mean, sweet, fun, exciting, boring, passionate- everything in the book.

But I’m grateful for mine!! 

No Way- Dead Before 40??

My husband turned our TV last night when I left the room. (I watch Investigation Discovery 24-7- literally 24-7)

He flipped it to some CNN or HLN show….it was a special on Prince. I believe it was called How It Really Happened. Another celebrity, died alone, drugs was the cause. Of course my heart breaks. (Plus Prince was awesome.) 

Shows over, go back to scrolling on my phone. How It Really Happened, Anna Nicole Smith was coming up next. My jaw hit the floor when they said she died at 39. That can’t be right, I’m 39. She was way older than I was when she died. I stayed glued to the TV, even though I already knew her story.

Next up, How It Really Happened, OJ. Nicole Simpson, dead at 35….that is impossible! 

These people were old to me when they passed! How did I never realize this?

So of course my obsessive mind had to google celebrities that died at 39.

Wild Bill

Martin Luther King Jr

Amelia Earhart

Anna Nicole

Malcolm X 

I told my husband and my son this week, I never thought I’d be 40 and not be anything. Not that I’ve ever been career minded, I’ve got my family and I’ve had awesome jobs. (My goal is to finish school one day.) 

Life slips away so freakin fast. I’m definitely not saying 39 is old….but when you feel 18 in your 39 year old body you feel a little invincible.

Anyway I’m rambling. I’m just shocked because these people were so old when they died. Or at least I thought they were when I was 20.

Laugh at These Scores, But They Make Me Proud

I’m a 39 year old white girl with no sport skills in her body.

I have a 15 year old wannabe pro skater, that can win at anything he tries.

Except bowlin- against his moma.

My cousin invited us for all night bowling on Saturday night. I’m trying to get out more so I was ready. Got 3 of my kids pumped and went to meet my family. (Did I mention it was for my cousin’s daughter’s 21st birthday?) So a few young adults, one child and a few of us older people. 

Bowling 11-2 AM

The first 2 games were alright. My youngest son won those as he was able to have bumpers etc…

Around 1 AM I realized most of the people that came with our group was gone. It was only my kids and me left. Moma let’s play one game one on one. 

Let’s do it

He cheated. He went back and forth with oh I’m not really trying, which was a lie. But I still won.

I beat my 15 year old boy at not one, not two but three games. 

I’ll give him credit, he did win the final…

My kids dropped like flies from exhaustion on the bowling alley couches- but I stayed up. I kept telling my oldest boy- oh no- get up. If I can do this, you can too!  I beat the ones celebrating a 21st birthday. 

And I beat my boy….I’m pretty sure this will never happen again.

It was a good night.

(It took days to get these pictures. My photo editing, YouTuber couldn’t “figure out” how to send them to me. Uh yeah right boy, get them pictures to me)

Against the Odds

The Most Unromantic Movie on V Day

Do you ever remember a movie from years ago? Remember how much you loved the soundtrack? (Seriously- kick ass soundtrack) Remember how it shocked and moved you? 

Then watch it again and realize it’s actually nothing like you remembered? 

I think I was drunk and high the first go round.

So my dad loves weird movies, hence- I’ll usually give them a try. I remember him calling me. You gotta see this movie. It’s so good. A refrigerator goes after an old lady. Uh ok dad, sounds awesome. So I rented it and watched. This had to have been 2002? 

I watched. I remember being intrigued. I still remember that soundtrack! 

Apparently I forgot how bad it was.

A few years later I told my daughter, hey you should watch this movie.

Last night everyone was on their phones. I told my husband I’m going to watch a movie. And there it was, on Netflix: Requiem For a Dream. 

I ran in and told D, hey that movie I wanted you to watch years ago is on. Then told my oldest (she’s days away from 21, so of age….but still.)

I watched the first little bit alone, then he came and sat with me. 

It was a little bit corny, a little more realistic and a lot more terrifying. My husband kept saying uh, you think this is a good idea? Well I gotta finish it now.

And that music…..

If you’ve never seen it, it’s a wild one. Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly, Ellen Burstyn and Marlon Wayans are people that each plummet into their own addiction hell. The movie is split up into seasons. During the summer they are having a blast, by the next winter…well I won’t spoil it but….

We cringed, I covered my eyes, I was appalled. My daughter watched it in her room so she was about 30 minutes behind our viewing. Uh your dad is really freaked out that I told you about this, maybe you should turn it.

Young adult roll of the eyes. Mom I’m finishing it. Ok well its about to get really bad, so just know it’s been years since I’ve seen it so I didn’t remember it being quite this bad.

Ugh it makes me more grossed out by these kind of people. People acting like they don’t have a choice.  I understand daughter, but you know I feel different. I have a heart for them, but I get it, cause I’m still pissed at my mom, even after all I’ve been through.

She said someone on my FB claims to be an addict. That she shared a post saying addiction is an epidemic, compared it to cancer. It’s not cancer mom. It’s a choice.

Well how about I just tell you how the movie ends? No, I gotta see if he dies in jail….ok then.

I left her alone but was back in her room just as fast. I get it, I see your point. No it’s definitely not cancer. At any time an addict can come to themselves and turn around. No one can just drop cancer. And yes, I can choose to get up and go to mom’s tomorrow, or choose to take care of our home and our business. So you are completely right. But it’s not my choice to be an addict. What would happen if I drank a beer? You wouldn’t stop. 

Right.

Maybe that’s what they mean by no choice? It’s what I would mean. I’d love to sit out by a bonfire and drink with your dad. I’d love to occasionally have some stupid mindless fun. But I make a choice not to because I wouldn’t stop till everything fell apart.

In the middle of it, if you choose the wrong path, you lose your chance to choose. You just can’t see a way out without fighting.

So the movie was horrible (still intriguing!) and made my family uncomfortable. But it opened some dialogue.

At the end I looked at my husband and said and that sir, is why you don’t do drugs.

That soundtrack though! 

Sound

Expectations 

What on awesome word on V day.

The day everyone should show their love.

It’s a scam to me.

Oh no, I DEFINITELY believe in love. I’ve had it in my life for over 20 years. I can still look at my husband and be back in high school walking to the library as he yells out hey girl….then proceeds to ask his friends- what’s her name?? **butterflies**

I don’t have expectations for today, I don’t buy into it. Our anniversary is in a few days, that’s our real V day.

I don’t need Hallmark to make him show me he loves me.

I had huge expectations leaving rehab. D I’m good now, love and trust me like before. It will be perfect. Why don’t you trust me? Don’t you see all I’ve done for you? Ugh! Stop being depressed! 

It wasn’t fair to him. Life was harder for him after I left rehab than ever before.

My life has been pure terror- hell. But I’ve been able to resolve it in my head- hey it’s cause I’m an addict. But I can’t imagine from his side.

Watching someone you love go to edge of insanity so many times. Watching someone you love turn into someone you loathe. Watching someone you love destroy you and everything around you, and have no power to stop it. Losing everything you’ve worked for because of someone else.

I’d been banned from his Facebook for a few years. No pictures of me, he didn’t post much but what he did was sad. I completely destroyed his pride. I would try and explain, everyone had their Bullshit!! No one is perfect in this world.

This last relapse he told FB we were getting a divorce. I never knew this because I was a recluse and hid from social media. So recently I’ve had my family ask if I was ok, uh yeah. 

I’ve been told to remember my last day of using. Some parts I’m glad to remember. Like the fact that he came to pick me up out of mom’s house. And came back and came back, until I agreed to get in the car. The fact that he just sat there and never yelled, never judged, just watched and let me know he was there.

In my eyes, my husband is the biggest bad ass- (I like them a little bad) he’s hilarious and works 6-7 days a week for his family. He is the best dad around, everyone tells him this. I honestly don’t deserve what I’ve been given. Every other male I see is compared to him. He’s my rock.

Because of my addiction we lost my car, he lost his prized possession- his 4 wheeler. That was his escape machine- ride away from me and blare music. We fell behind with everything and still aren’t caught up. He’s heard me say just one more time, a million times. Because of me, he can’t/won’t really drink at home. Because of me he walks around in pain and chooses not to handle it, we are both terrified of medicine entering this house.

Something has been totally different since this last relapse. I’m his friend again on Facebook and he actually told the world we are still in this and fighting. He says we had to go to that dark place to get here. This is shocking to me, because those have always been my words. I think this last bout he actually saw it. Saw how fast I can go from being a normal good wife to a drug fiend that cares for no one.

I’ve told him, I don’t know what will happen, who I’ll be. But I’ll try with everything I’ve got and beg God for the strength.

These past few weeks we’ve laughed more, been more relaxed than I can remember. I think we’ve both thrown expectations out the window. I think we both know what we want, but realize we don’t have the power to control the other persons attitude or choices. It’s actually freeing. 

Expectations do nothing but let down everyone involved. I hope D will walk in happy and funny every day, but it’s not fair to expect it. Yesterday he was in pain and ill. And that’s ok cause it’s real life. I offered to do anything and then let him be. And eventually he came around and we had a great night with the kids. 

I had expectations I’d be sober forever. And that was pretty much when I crumbled. 

I don’t want to expect anymore, maybe hope, but expect just adds too much pressure.

Expectation

Music is My Life, Music is My Trigger 

​I’m a loyal music fan. I still love the artists I grew up listening to, and I love 99% of the music I hear.
I’ll go to my grave loving Eminem and Kid Rock. I don’t mind seeing them get older, I’m aging too!

But in all seriousness, I have to watch myself when I’m listening. I listen to YouTube 24-7. I can choose my song, radio stations suck.

There are certain songs I absolutely play when I’m at my worst: anything by Rehab, the early Eminem albums, Habits by Tove Lo and a few others. If I’m playing these, my husband is leery- with good reason.

It’s so strange what things will take you back to the worst places.

I think my mom was the same way. I remember watching her drink and sing Patsy Cline all the time.

An artist my husband really likes is coming to our area for a concert. He really wants to go. I’ve told him, go! Take everyone you know, but I can’t do it! His cousin is in recovery too, he’s going. Why can’t I? Cause I’m scared.

I never know what will flip that God awful switch in my brain. 

Seriousness