Working On Forgiving

Texted this to my mom today. I’m not ready to talk on the phone, or go see her, but I couldn’t ignore her another year. 

I’m trying to forgive her. I’m learning that is a process too. I heard, this week, that the process is a lot like an onion. Once you have 1 part forgiven, another layer will appear and that 1 needs work too. I’m trying. Here’s my text:

I’ve said before Satan is so good at what he does. He has the ability to drown you in bad memories. This is one way he has my moma bound. It can happen to the best of us!

Sometimes you have to force yourself to remember the good times, and I hope she can do this!

I’m so thankful for my moma! We have plenty of awesome memories together, and I’d like to thank her for that! 

I remember:

The Mickey Mouse cake she slaved for days decorating with 10000900 swirls.

The late night she stayed up (or got up really early) to make sure I had my New Kids on the Block tickets.

The times she took me to church. 

Even that time I didn’t want to go, so I had my best friend “accidentally” leave her shoes at her own house. Obviously my friend couldn’t go to church shoeless. And since she was my guest, I’d just have to stay home with her. Nope. Didn’t work. Mom said fine, none of us will wear shoes. New church visiting with no shoes. 

The time D, me and 4 other friends “surprised” her during a Florida vacation by showing up to their RV in the middle of the night. We were all underage. Moma put our room (that we paid for) on her credit card, and never even yelled when we wrecked it. 

The time she laughed instead of screamed when my cousin and I drew, with chocolate cookies, all over motel sheets. They were completely ruined. 

How hard she laughed at PeeWees Big Adventure. And laughed even harder when the family had that fun night with egg carton eyes. 

That she was with me every time I gave birth. And that she went and bought $200 worth of Captain D’s after I had C. Just because I had a craving.

The way she’s loved Derrick since their first meeting. 

The way she ignored all the smacktalk when we were getting married. 

The way she cared about my friends. 

The day D, me and the kids kidnapped her, broken leg and all, and she had a blast. We took her to Little White House, a place she always wanted to go. She was able to ride the scooter for people with disabilities. I’m pretty sure it was the time of her life. 
And so many more!!!
Despite all of OUR careless actions, we all KNOW YOU have the biggest heart. I love you moma. 
Your MY moma and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in this world!! 

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R U in RU?


I’d love to connect with other people! Are in in Reformers Unanimous? Have you graduated? Do you, or have you helped and worked in the program? 

I honestly can’t believe it’s not more popular. I don’t think that many people know about it!

I’ve said before, I’m in the beginning of the program. But I’d love to have encouragement from others than have been where I am!

I want to know if it made a lasting difference in your life!

If you’ve heard of it, connect with me! If you haven’t, connect with me if you want more details!

I’m amazed at the information I’ve already learned! 

God and Embroidery 

I went to a Reformers Unanimous meeting tonight. 

The preacher told an analogy that gave me goosebumps.

He said, when he was young, he would sit on the floor while his grandmother worked on her embroidery. 

From his viewpoint, when he looked up, all he could see was knots, and lines of thread. He could only see it from underneath. It didn’t look like anything pretty. 

But from his grandmothers view, a beautiful pattern could be seen. She was following a design, that in the end would make a picture. 

He compared this to us and God. While sometimes all we can see is a mess, all the time God is working out his plan for us. And what can’t see what he can see. 

I’m quick to tell my sister, I don’t understand this or that. She tells me it’s all for a reason. And finally Romans 8:28 clicked for me:

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Reformers Unanimous 

This program has taken me years to attend. I first heard about it, ironically enough, from my moma. The same person that introduced me to my drug of choice. 

She told me I should look in to the program after I finished rehab. 

I didn’t know much about it, but it is church, Bible based addictions program. My church actually had a chapter of the program running for several years. But I never went. 

I left rehab and my world continued it’s downward spiral for months. Late last year I remembered the program name and thought I want that! I grew up in church, but never experienced the full power of God till last year. It was amazing. 

I started my hunt for a church than ran the program. My home church had stopped it because enough people did not show up. 

I went to the RU website, check their map and wrote down all the churches within 40 miles of me. Most of the places I called, told me they no longer offered this. I found one, 45 minutes away from my home. 

I went, and this specific one was not the meeting for me. For reasons I may explain later, or may just keep to myself. After this meeting I slowly worked my way back to another relapse during the Christmas season.

I found one a little closer this year. In March, my husband visited with me once. After the initial visit, I’ve went here and there but not very consistently. 

I read somewhere this week: If no actions change, everything else will remain the same. It hit me. I need to take action, jump on something.

God willing, I’ll be faithful to this program. Tonight I finally received my first award for work I’d done. It feels a tiny bit cheesy to me, but no different than AA chips- in my humble opinion.

I’m almost finished with the first Pamphlet. It’s called The Overcomer, Entry Level Workbook. I have 2 more tasks to do. Attend a Sunday School class somewhere, and give a pamphlet to someone that I think could benefit. 

As soon as I do these things, I move to the first real book. I pray I continue. 

This is the only program for me. I’ve learned, I’m a replacer. I have switched out addictions for many many years. I conquer one thing, then just pick up another. I’m looking for freedom, not juggling. This is the program for me, because I believe it. I do believe Christ can do all things, so surely He can help me. I don’t have much, but I have faith. 

Center Of My Life

Here I am

Almost 40. My sister in law, who is 41 said I will change when I hit it. She said it’s the age that you no longer care what people think of you. She said it’s her favorite age and she’s having the time of her life. I’ve really already obtained that for the most part…..but I could use a little more work.

I made it through beach time without a drink. I did have a few other things, I don’t know why other than it was vacation and stupidity. Not enough to even feel anything from it.

I’m praying it was just a slip and that it’s not going to suck me back in. It’s been a few days and I’m fine.

I don’t really know if I’m at the center of my life. I’m a smoker, so I’m sure that’s cut off some years. And 20 plus years of drinking and drugs have taken a toll. And my daily supply of BC powders can’t be good. 

But I am still here for now. 

And I still have dreams and things that drive me. While I’m still waiting for God to tell me my purpose and assist with me working again, I do know where I want to be. 

Alabama and Florida has 100’s of miles of coast land. I want to be near a sliver of one of them. I’d proudly live in a shack, a cottage, a closet or a box. What could be more beautiful than seeing waves every day.

For years and years I’ve begged my husband to move. He always said no I couldn’t work there. I can’t comprehend this. Do you not think construction goes on outside of our major city? Makes no sense. Why should only lucky people get to be born there, or brave people get to move there? Why can’t we?

My best friend’s ex husband move to the Georgia coast a year ago. His new girlfriend is an addict with no job history. He doesn’t have a great job history. But they moved, they go to beach every weekend and seem happier than ever. No fair.

About 2 years ago I broke out the computer and compared cost of living between our state vs. Florida and Alabama. Out of the three, we currently have the highest cost of living, with no beach view. I also looked up his type of work….plenty of it there. This broke his no work argument.

Little by little I’ve been able to get him to see the possibility of making the jump. He is open to it. He can get excited dreaming about it with me. He keeps telling me we are in the 3rd quarter of our life, this would be the time. I can have my car packed in 20 minutes I say.

I prayed the past 2 weeks, please let me see the beach soon. I got to. I often pray, please let us move to the beach….I’ll pray this till I die.

I would do anything to make this happen. This would be truly a dream come true. We are looking into things and he’s calling some contactors down south. I’d go back to school to finish my degree. Finally figure out what I can do with my life, work wise.

Please God. Let us find our little beach town made just for us.

Center

Obsessions or Loyalties 

My brain doesn’t work like others. After living with it my whole life, I’ve accepted it, and I actually like that I’m a little different.

I’ve said before that I’m loyal to the same things I loved 20 some odd years ago. It takes a lot to get me to open up to something new. 

My TV stays on Investigation Discovery. If I could pay for just this one channel, I’d cancel all the rest. If it’s a rerun I can tell you who lived and died and how it happened. I spoil every show for my husband. (He really doesn’t appreciate true crime like me.)  When they play the few shows I hate, I flip my fancy new TV to the app and pick my own. Loyal to my channel.

My daughter bought me the best gift ever. I drive an older model car (it was free) that doesn’t have an aux hole. She bought a lighter adapter. That means I can hook up my phone and play MY songs through the radio. New stations pretty much suck, and I’m just a better DJ. I do have a few newer singers I like but mostly I listen to older music. Loyal fan and all. (When my husband rides he wants country….yuck! I’ll smile and say yay but….just yuck.) Loyal to my music.

In keeping with my line of staying loyal to who I am, I never buy new clothes. I like what I have. I don’t do lipstick unless it’s chapstick, and I’ve worn heels once- for a wedding. I HAD to being the maid of honor and all. They were on my feet for the service, then never again. I’m a jeans and tshirt girl. I live in the south and every other female wears sandals and fancy stuff. I just go in my kids closet and grab their Vans or Converse and I’m ready to go. Loyal to my brands.

When we eat, I’ll definitely try anything once, but only if it’s on your plate. I order the same thing at Waffle House, Red Lobster, Longhorn, Captain D’s any place…every time. I always get a menu, take 20 minutes to look over it all, wait till my husband starts rolling his eyes then say fine- you know what to order for me. Loyal to my food.

My friends are the same as when I turned 15. We don’t talk as much, but I still refer to them as my best friends. And if they ever needed me, I’d be there in a second. Loyal to my friends.

I grew up watching the most important people in my life stand behind a camera and shoot. I once sold every piece of jewelry to buy my own camera. Photography is my passion. (I’ve let anxiety and fear keep it out of my hands, but just you wait, one day I’ll pick it back up.) I can flip through photographs for hours, you literally have to tear me away. Loyal to my passions. (When I’m not scared.)

I’ve grown up in church. Through the years, I’ve not walked in what I believe to be right, but I still trust it. I’m a firm believer of prayer and the one thing I have is faith. (You only have to have a mustard seed amount anyway.) Loyal to my belief system.

I’ve been with the same man since he was a boy. I’ve put him through craziness with my addictions, but I’ve never strayed. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone but him. Our kids are awesome. They really are. I wish they knew how proud I was of them. I am extremely loyal to my family when I’m walking down the right path.

If we go on a trip, I will go if it’s to the beach I want. And I will talk you into staying at the same hotel that I’ve went to as a kid. It’s my home away from home and I’m comfortable there. You can have a fancy high rise. Give me the deck that I used to sit on with my papa. Loyal to my spots.

My husband has learned to deal with my quirks. I get extremely nervous about doing new things. What if I can’t wear my tennis shoes?? I never thought any of my loyalties were anything different until I’ve watched it through my kids. I have 2 that obsess on things. I try to tell them why can’t you try something new? My husband looks at me like who are you?

The other day I heard a lady on talk radio. The topic was “what is a main attraction of our town you’ve never visited.” I’ve lived here my entire life and didn’t know half the places people were calling in about. Apparently there’s a huge world outside my hideout. Anyway- the lady said I’ve made a New Year’s Resolution to visit one new place a month. She said it’s the only resolution she’s ever been able to keep. It can be a new park, a new (to you) tourist spot, even a new park. Just something new.

I’m totally trying this. My husband works 6-7 days a week, but surely I can cram some new stuff in our life. 

I found out from that same radio show, I live about 2 hours from a safari. A SAFARI….in the south. I’m sure it’s not a uppity fancy safari, so I’m pretty sure I can wear my kids clothes and fit right in. (That sounds weird- my son has skate pants, and I’ll grab any t….and I’ve already explained my shoes.)

For our anniversary we went to the same of state parks we’ve went to for a million years. BUT we walked a new trail. Went down a different side of the waterfall. We didn’t follow the crowd. It was a tougher hike but we had a blast and found out the huge waterfall we’ve seen over and over turns into a beautiful lazy river. I would’ve never known…if we hadn’t tried something new.

I like my loyalties, they bring me comfort. But they do lean to the extreme of obsessions, I see that now. But I think I’m ready for the challenge of seeing new things. Maybe I can just be just as loyal to new things.

Hideout

The Most Unromantic Movie on V Day

Do you ever remember a movie from years ago? Remember how much you loved the soundtrack? (Seriously- kick ass soundtrack) Remember how it shocked and moved you? 

Then watch it again and realize it’s actually nothing like you remembered? 

I think I was drunk and high the first go round.

So my dad loves weird movies, hence- I’ll usually give them a try. I remember him calling me. You gotta see this movie. It’s so good. A refrigerator goes after an old lady. Uh ok dad, sounds awesome. So I rented it and watched. This had to have been 2002? 

I watched. I remember being intrigued. I still remember that soundtrack! 

Apparently I forgot how bad it was.

A few years later I told my daughter, hey you should watch this movie.

Last night everyone was on their phones. I told my husband I’m going to watch a movie. And there it was, on Netflix: Requiem For a Dream. 

I ran in and told D, hey that movie I wanted you to watch years ago is on. Then told my oldest (she’s days away from 21, so of age….but still.)

I watched the first little bit alone, then he came and sat with me. 

It was a little bit corny, a little more realistic and a lot more terrifying. My husband kept saying uh, you think this is a good idea? Well I gotta finish it now.

And that music…..

If you’ve never seen it, it’s a wild one. Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly, Ellen Burstyn and Marlon Wayans are people that each plummet into their own addiction hell. The movie is split up into seasons. During the summer they are having a blast, by the next winter…well I won’t spoil it but….

We cringed, I covered my eyes, I was appalled. My daughter watched it in her room so she was about 30 minutes behind our viewing. Uh your dad is really freaked out that I told you about this, maybe you should turn it.

Young adult roll of the eyes. Mom I’m finishing it. Ok well its about to get really bad, so just know it’s been years since I’ve seen it so I didn’t remember it being quite this bad.

Ugh it makes me more grossed out by these kind of people. People acting like they don’t have a choice.  I understand daughter, but you know I feel different. I have a heart for them, but I get it, cause I’m still pissed at my mom, even after all I’ve been through.

She said someone on my FB claims to be an addict. That she shared a post saying addiction is an epidemic, compared it to cancer. It’s not cancer mom. It’s a choice.

Well how about I just tell you how the movie ends? No, I gotta see if he dies in jail….ok then.

I left her alone but was back in her room just as fast. I get it, I see your point. No it’s definitely not cancer. At any time an addict can come to themselves and turn around. No one can just drop cancer. And yes, I can choose to get up and go to mom’s tomorrow, or choose to take care of our home and our business. So you are completely right. But it’s not my choice to be an addict. What would happen if I drank a beer? You wouldn’t stop. 

Right.

Maybe that’s what they mean by no choice? It’s what I would mean. I’d love to sit out by a bonfire and drink with your dad. I’d love to occasionally have some stupid mindless fun. But I make a choice not to because I wouldn’t stop till everything fell apart.

In the middle of it, if you choose the wrong path, you lose your chance to choose. You just can’t see a way out without fighting.

So the movie was horrible (still intriguing!) and made my family uncomfortable. But it opened some dialogue.

At the end I looked at my husband and said and that sir, is why you don’t do drugs.

That soundtrack though! 

Sound