Funeral

I wonder if you were able to see the packed room that came to pay their respects. Are you banned from watching, or do you have a choice? You brought so many people together in that tiny room. I felt a little like an intruder, I didn’t want to act like we had some close history, I hate when people do that.

I saw many faces I recongnized from our town, but I didn’t know many of their names. I was able to hug your son and meet your daughter. 

I went for my own daughter. I went for your son. Your home truly holds so many memories for that huge group of kids. 

I wonder if you heard your dad talk. I wonder if you saw the pain in his eyes when he explained how you shouldn’t be gone. It was a punch in the gut to hear him say you didn’t want to go, and that you were hopeful but scared. It was heartbreaking to hear about your final days.

I kept my eyes on the slideshow during the entire service. The wedding pictures, the pictures of moving day, the birth of your kids, first days of this and that, family vacations….those snapshots could have been any of ours. The standard oh so precious to us family photos. I was super mad at the funeral home for the quality of their video. The least they could have done, was shown your pictures clear and crisp. I’m positive you didn’t have 60 dark grainy blurry family photos. 

I wonder if you saw your children and your husband. I wonder if you could go back would you make any changes? Or do you like me, appreciate your weaknesses and hard times, because you knew they were for a reason? 

I called my husband when I left just to say I love you. Let’s never pass I told him. Or at least let me go first. But let me see my kids get married first and have babies. Let me stay here and be grateful for my sobriety.

Your passing will stick with me, as I’ve said before. We could have been best friends, but that probably would have been bad for the both of us. I kept hearing your close friends say how proud you would be of the crowd that gathered. 

It was a beautiful service is the standard your supposed to say term. And it was, as beautiful as a funeral can be. I don’t think they are beautiful. They are gut wrenching, dark, sad and very final.

This is the second funeral I’ve attended in 3 months. I hope there is a huge gap before I attend another.

Your still in my heart. And again, since I heard you are a believer, I know I’ll see you again. I wonder if you can have best friends in Heaven. I’d sure like to spend some time with you, knowing we won’t have our addiction calling our names there. 

Rest in peace friend

Banned

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